Did I intentionally ignore the exit signs? And will there be re-entrances?

Saw a post on Facebook that got me thinking about exits. About people with whom you were once close, or with whom you thought you were close, exiting your life. Those individuals that you shared intimate details with, secrets, longing, ideas, music. Sometimes these people were part of your orbit for a substantial amount of time, like decades. Some for maybe only a few months, but you still felt a bond, a kinship, a soul connection. And then just like that, poof, they disappeared. Except it wasn’t just like that. There were exit signs. Maybe you just didn’t want to see them. Maybe you still don’t.

Perhaps it’s because I’m a Taurus, stubborn, and I have a difficult time letting things go. I harbor feelings for people and things for waaaaaay too long. I kind of stick around hoping they will come back. Until it’s painfully obvious they aren’t. I guess what I’m struggling with today is that this fucking hurts. And that’s kind of hard or embarrassing to admit. That I am hurt by people who abandoned me a long time ago. And when it happens now it brings that hurt right back up to the surface. I am an adult. A senior adult. Shouldn’t I let this kind of thing roll right off my back? I mean why do I give shit about people who reject me? I’m cool. I’m fun. I’m interesting. If they don’t want part of this then it’s their loss, right? None of those work. I still feel sucky. I think what I’m feeling is part of my inner work these past two years trying to let go of deep seated fears and feelings of inadequacy that probably spring from hurts and traumas experienced as a young girl.

These feelings surfaced yesterday and today for two reasons. I saw a former extremely close friend who is now basically a ghost in my life post something on Facebook- I know, I should shit-can FB. But like I wrote above, I am a lingerer. She posted about something that happened a very long time ago. An event in which I was a major player. An experience in which we did something together. She didn’t even mention me in her remembrance. She did however tag a friend who basically had zero to do with the event, as if the two were together when it happened. That third person played a very minor role in that long ago happening. But this post made me think WTF? I don’t rate a mention? As if I wasn’t even there? Again, WTF? And why the hell do I care? I mean I have probably done the same thing, let go of people. And more than likely in unkind ways. But this is the thing that I think is the difference. I look at people with whom I was once connected and don’t want them to be non-entities in my life. I would like to stay connected with everyone who was important to me at one time or another. I don’t want to let anyone go permanently. Sometimes a break is needed for sure. But if you were a part of my heart and soul, you will always be a part of my heart and soul. And I would like to talk to you. To see you. Maybe reconnect with you in some way or another. I guess that’s not possible, you know, “some people are in your life for a season and then it’s time to move on” kind of thing. And maybe it’s my Taurean “doesn’t want to budge” energy, or maybe it’s immaturity? I mean maybe I’m not mature enough, even at this advanced age, to be able to let people go. Or to think I can reconnect when obviously it ain’t gonna happen? I don’t know. All I do know is that a recent exit has brought all of these feelings rushing back. I allowed someone into my life with whom I thought there was a strong connection, an invisible cord. It came out of the blue. It kind of knocked me over because I wasn’t looking for nor expecting it. And because of that I think I read more into it than what it really was. I’m also really good at living in a fucking fantasy world in my head. I’m trying to let the feelings flow and to put all of it in its place. But where that place is I don’t know right now.

I’m gonna go try to deal with my feelings now. If I am inspired, or feel the need for more writing therapy, I will report back about how I managed.

Hope no one ghosts you. Hope you are able to keep connections. Hope you don’t let feelings of fear and inadequacy invade your beautiful cosmic energy.

PS- After I wrote this, I saw a post on Instagram that gave me pause. I follow E Dan Smith whose handle is mystereartist. I love his posts. They help me stay calm and centered and they help me make sense of the shifts that are happening in my life. And in the last two years there have been MAJOR shifts. This particular video was about how people don’t leave you, you don’t lose them. Relationships change frequency and sometimes you outgrow them. You have to be certain than they didn’t “ghost” you. Stay certain that they will come along on their own time. That’s something that I have struggled with my whole life- the desire, the need to bend time and circumstances to my will. To hurry things along. I’m pretty sure this stems from feeling like I need to control, I need to be in control. Something must have felt out of control when I was young and so I’ve spent decades trying to make up for that lack. Uncertainty makes me anxious. And this is something that, over the last two years I have been trying to let go of. Mystereartist says that the antidote is to just keep sending out love. To blast everyone, including yourself, with love. And because I can’t not tie everything into music, as I’m typing this I’m listening to The Outfield’s All the Love in the World

All the love

All the love in the world

All the love

I’ll be sending you girl

All the love

All the love in the world