Help me to get unstuck.

Have you ever gotten to a point in your life where you think/feel/know you don’t want to do this anymore? Whatever this is for you?  This of course is different for different people. I’ve been increasingly feeling this way for the better part of this past year.  And I feel a whole lot of different emotions about it. Scared. Tired. Sad. Apprehensive. Kind of excited. This feeling has been nascent for the last few years after I retired from a thirty year very traditional, very conventional career. Because I am a Taurus I tend to dwell in the past and hesitate to get out of a place of comfort and ritual. And I can see that that is why I am where I am.  But in the past 8 months this feeling has become stronger. And a particular instant, an image, an, I don’t know, a feeling or an epiphany came to me that sort of shook me into a different head space and I’m trying to figure out what it means for me and how I’m supposed to fit it into the life I currently live.

I feel stuck in limbo.  Kids mostly grown but not completely.  Tired of the smallishness of the small town that I live in.  Trying to move beyond habits and practices that feel old and tired and are not giving me peace or satisfaction. Tired of the same old conversations that don’t move anything along.  I just have no desire for things that once held my interest and were a large part of my identity. Shopping. Politics and government. Taking care of a big house- decorating it, cleaning it, managing it, entertaining. I’m just so over all of it.  I feel ready for new things.  And I’ve discovered things that I want to do, places I want to go.  But I am unsure of how to do these things, or how to get there?  Is this simply a case of a mid-life crisis?

I’ve been trying to visualize and manifest something different. Something new. Trying is the key word here- I’m having difficulty actually seeing myself doing the things I want to do.  You have to see yourself doing them before you can do them.  I can’t seem to get the images in my mind.  I have taken steps.  Writing and sharing my writing publicly. Learning how to play the electric guitar. I’m not afraid to try new skills or activities – I ran for and won public office twice.  I’ve been doing activities solo that no one else wants to join me in.  I’ve also been flipping the script so to speak on relationships- or my relationship to other people, to my family and people who I once called friends.  I’ve realized that no matter how much I want people to be or have or do certain things- I can’t make them.  I learned that pattern from my own family.  Thinking that with enough push or love or money or stuff people will behave and react a certain way.  It’s taken me a long time to realize that all that time and energy and money spent isn’t going to change people.  That the person I need to work on is myself, not others.  This is not easy when you’ve spent a lifetime thinking you can move the needle, or make the difference in and for others.  I realized after my husband and I retired from public education that people do what they want, people think what they want, and that no matter how hard you worked to make a difference, and maybe you did make a difference, it’s only a matter of time, and a short matter of time actually, before the spaces fill in and people forget or don’t care what you did.  This really pissed me off af first, but now I’ve come to terms that it just is what people do.  Most people do what they want to do, not necessarily what is best for the greater good, but what is best for them.  I was brought up to believe that commitment to the greater good was supposed to be the driving force in your life.  I was shocked and angry and frustrated by people for whom that wasn’t true.  I spent a lot of energy being annoyed until I realized this was all me.  That I couldn’t fault people or blame them because they weren’t what I wanted them to be. They just were who and what they were. And that’s OK. Now I’m trying it.  I’m trying to just be and do me for me.  I’m done trying to fix or shape things other than my own life. 

But now is the hard part.  How do I get what I really want?  At this point in my life.  I know- people can change and become at any point in their lives.  But I need a push or a sign.  Hey Universe- I’m asking for a sign.  

Epiphanies and things I have to let go.

Have you ever done something and knew somehow that it was the last time you were going to do it?  Or done something you had done many times before and knew that it was never going to be the same again?  I can clearly remember several instances where I knew in my soul that what I was experiencing was a once in a lifetime feeling of well being or peace or being in the right time at the right place, or an ending to something that was special.

One of these instances was at a snow covered playground on a winter day when my children were small.  The snow was deep and the sky was all the colors of an early winter evening – cold gray and dark blue and orange and pink from the setting sun. No wind- no sound-the snow was absorbing it all- kids were having fun and I was just sitting in the snow observing and taking in the feeling.  I had an overwhelming sense of beauty and peace and calm, knowing that this was a special moment in time that I would always remember and would probably never be repeated. And I was right.

Another time was when I was in New York City with a friend.  For about 16 years I took trips to NYC twice a year with my mom until she was not well enough to travel. We had so much fun- shopping, going for drinks at rooftop lounges, walking everywhere, going to museums, spa days at Elizabeth Arden, jazz clubs.   When I was there with my friend I had an overwhelming sense that my yearly trips to NY were over, a feeling that things had fundamentally changed.  I sensed that an era had passed and it would never be repeated. And even if I found myself there with other people it would never be the same.  And the interesting thing is that many of the places I used to go to with my mom do not exist any longer.  The French bistro on 7th Avenue where we always had brunch and that had the most amazing coffee was no longer there.  Many of the shops and restaurants in the block of 7th Ave near Carnegie Hall are gone, including Lindy’s where my mom and I went for chicken soup and cheesecake after an amazingly spiritual experience seeing Rosanne Cash perform at Carnegie Hall.  And of course the iconic and amazing Lord & Taylor department store on 5th Avenue.  We spent hours and hours shopping, having lunch at Amy’s Bread cafe on the fourth floor, getting makeovers at the Elizabeth Arden counter.  I purchased many pairs of shoes and boots at the fantastic shoe department and a few Coach bags in the handbag department. 

My point is that I understand it’s time to put all of the wonderful experiences in their place.  And all of the shitty experiences of the past few years in their place as well.  And move on.  And I’m ok doing so.  It took me almost three years of waiting, thinking, crying, cleaning and sorting out, throwing things away- both physically and metaphorically.  So again- Universe- I am here. I am ready. Push me in the direction I’m destined for. I’m ready. Please guide me,  show me what’s next because I can’t keep on doing the same old things.